I get it! I don’t need to die anymore.

I’ve often heard this expression

“But did you die!?”

When someone was referring to a very heavy intense workout or “I literally died guys” is the other one I’ve heard many times before. In my case, far from any kind of workout. I’m sure you’ve already heard about my finding out I had stage 4 cancer by literally going into convulsions…dying…spending days in and out of consciousness due to hemorrhaging and loss of blood, then coming back just to hear a fill in doctor walk in and tell me “YOU KNOW ITS CANCER RIGHT? And I need to call your doctor because I’ve never seen such an aggressive, heavy chemotherapy treatment regimen like this before”… (3 days in patient, 3 days break, 1 full day out patient of 7 dosages, 5 types of chemotherapy and OH! by the way, if you suffer from any side effects, “we have a medication for that, as well as a medication for the side effect you might get from the other medication” for 8 cycles)

SAY WHAAAAaaaat!…

So on my last cycle I go in as routine, HAPPY, EXCITED! Smiling at everyone, hugging everyone as usual. Moving my bed around and everything in my room to better suit my needs. As usual. Break out my vitamix blender and blending me up my morning smoothie, as usual. Jamming to music on my YouTube playlist. As usual. By now my bodies natural defenses are all gone due to the chemo, and my body is totally relying on whatever I consume because my treatments were just as intense from the moment I started to the very end.

(Smoothie in my room)

So I get hooked up as scheduled except this time something else was added in.

  1. Blood transfusion…check
  2. Fluids…check
  3. First (12hr) chemo bag…check

1,2,3, 4th bag…?…wait what’s this?…hmmm…

So my nurse that day was concerned about my treatment schedule and didn’t like what was on the agenda. In fact she didn’t want to do it until she got the approval. Even then she was hesitant. But, doctors orders are doctors orders right.

I get hooked up and immediately start to feel tired and terrible which is not the norm. So I go to sleep. Not knowing my heart rate is climbing. I start to be unresponsive to my mom who could tell something was not right as she tried to wake me up. By this time my nurse has gone on her break. A nurse gets called in as my mom is telling her that I’m not doing good. Nurse checks my heart rate to find a crazy 215 and climbing but she said I was fine even tho I was having a hard time breathing. She just told my mom I had sleep apnea cause I was over weight. (B!$@+) My Mom yelled at her saying

She doesn’t have sleep apnea! Her body is swollen from all the chemotherapy! Go get her nurse!

Did she listen? Nope. It took my mom to make a big fuss and go yelling out of my door calling for my nurse. (Boss status lol) She calms mom by telling her she’ll go get her. In comes my nurse like a super hero and starts pulling everything, stopping it all while they’re trying to get me to wake up but I’m still unresponsive. My real nurse (lol) puts me on oxygen while Mom and the nurse stay with me as I go in and out of consciousness. They both talk thru the night while monitoring me and slowly putting me back on schedule one drip at a time.

BUT DID YOU DIE……again?

Seeing the death of a loved one makes you sad and sorrowful but doesn’t change your perspective on life, normally. Death or near death experiences usually do. In my case both did. My appreciation for life and those that want to be loved and appreciated by me have changed dramatically.

•I no longer take time out to reach out to people (cause most times my chemo brain forgets) but when I do remember I don’t go out of my way anymore.

•I communicate so much more without emotion connected to what I’m communicating about. Which makes for a less crying emotional me.

•I don’t bottle up things anymore saving it for one crazy, emotional, train wreck of a day with my husband and kids.

•If something’s not right, I say so

•I Point my finger more to delegate rather then take my world on.

•If I feel like something’s wrong inside of me health wise, I say so right away and don’t brush it off like it’s nothing.

•I make my time and routine for me top (TOP) priority!

The most important thing that I started while in treatment, that I stick to today and put it before my family…is

I’ve become a Mother-F’in BOSS at Planning my life with Purpose, Intention!

I’m not perfect at it, some days I forget but most times I’m a Boss! This is why I am so passionate about MakeMahalo Planners. This is why I create them with such joy! This is why I’ve gotten my kids to start planning now while they are young. This is why I started offering them at my local farmers market. In hopes that my passion my joy my love for planning will pass on to those that own their very own MakeMahalo Planner.

Plan your day, plant your seed, do it with aloha and you will Succeed! P.Tandal

5 Thoughts

  1. Girl you knock me over with these words! Cancer ain’t no joke and it shows how we need to be our own advocate or have someone there for us to speak for us. Kisses to Mum for her own bravery when it came to the care of her daughter. Don’t mess!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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